Life in Beijing isn’t all fluffy pandas and $1.50 beers. You have crazy fears that make it almost impossible to survive day to day. Here are my 9 fears I have in China.
1. Slipping on a squat toilet
Every time I have to pee on a squat toilet, I think that it’s finally the day that I slip and my ass lands straight in the toilet. I PROMISE I’m not too proud of a person to make that announcement when it finally happens.
2. Getting my hair cut
While a lot of people have long hair here in China, I’m not exactly going for the religious long hair look. I’m just slightly terrified to get my hair cut. I’m worried I’m going to end up with the bowl cut all my boys wear because I can’t speak Chinese. One day I’ll get it cut. You know, one day.
3. A kid sneezing in my face
I really mean any person sneezing in my face, but I get a lot closer to the kids than the average person in Beijing. If it ever happens, I will finally realize the secondary fear of throwing up on a child (but surprisingly it won’t be from being hung over!)
4. Falling onto a subway track
I sometimes have a very irrational feeling that someone is going to shove me onto a subway line. When I have that thought, I can’t help but look around slightly panicky at the people around me.
5. A fatal tuk tuk wreck
In case you don’t know what a tuk tuk is:
Basically danger on 3 wheels. They often go the wrong direction of traffic and hook uturns in the middle of the road. Some drivers like to laugh at our whimpers coming from the back seat. But it’s a $3 ride in winter so we all have to make sacrifices to get home quickly!
6. Having to use chop sticks in front of anyone important
If Chris Hemsworth came to me and said, “I want to love you forever, but first let’s have some chinese food. Here are your chop sticks.” I would probably cry. SPOONS AND FORKS ARE SO MUCH EASIER!
7. Anyone who asks me about touristy sites in Beijing
I have seen exactly one touristy site in Beijing. The Forbidden Palace. I promise to do more things in the spring! But I do have all the bar specials memorized!
8. When I hit on a guy at a bar, I always worry his Chinese girlfriend is going to walk up
9/10 she always does. And I slink away awkwardly.
9. Falling on an escalator
Oh wait, I have already done that. Twice. On the same elevator. With a Chinese man staring at me.
In a couple days I’ll be heading to Shanghai and Thailand for warm air, lady boys, and beaches. Prepare for the snapchats. If you want to add me on snapchat: meloleigh